Chapter 1.5 Mental Health: Struggle, Denial, Finding a Way Forward
One thing is certain about mental health struggles: denial often becomes the default response. Like the inevitability of the sun rising each morning, those battling mental health issues frequently deny their existence. As I’ve mentioned in earlier blogs, there’s a lingering belief that admitting to mental health struggles is a sign of weakness, and seeking treatment means you’re irreparably broken. This stigma leads many to cope by simply pretending the problem isn’t there.
Looking back, I can’t pinpoint exactly when I realized I had an issue. There were brief moments when I knew something wasn’t right, but those glimpses of clarity quickly changed into denial. I would convince myself that my struggles were someone else’s fault, not mine.
During my military service, those moments became harder to ignore—especially during deployments where I was thousands of miles away on the other side of the world, often I was isolated with my thoughts, a long way from home. Dealing with situations that most don't have to experience at that young age I learned to compartmentalize situations and experiences rather than confront them head on or talk with someone to seek help, I instead chose to bury them.
As I transitioned out of the Army, there was no focus on mental health in my out-processing, or the mention of the possibility of VA benefits, if there were they weren't very extensively explained. I was just eager to be a civilian again. While it’s good to see progress today, with service members being better informed about VA benefits, mental health still tends to be overlooked in claims. Back pain, knee issues, tinnitus, and sleep apnea make the list—but mental health? Often ignored or denied.
Mental health struggles affect everyone differently—how you feel, how it impacts your daily life, your relationships, and your work. For me, the effects were twofold: I excelled professionally in the civilian world, while my personal life unraveled. By my late 20s, I had perfected the art of hiding my struggles, even from myself. At work, I thrived—moving up quickly in a factory environment from team leader to supervisor, to project manager, I moved to different companies, chasing more money or higher positions in the industry trying to attain more success in the only area that hadn't unraveled for me and was a strength. But the energy it took to succeed at work left little for anything else. My personal life was a mess, not always a good husband or father, I made irresponsible decisions, impulsive financial choices and fractured relationships. I was living two lives: a high performer at work and a deeply struggling soul outside of it. The energy it took to be me, to portray myself as something I wasn't was exhausting.
For over a decade, I lived this rollercoaster. Professional highs masked my personal failures, but the denial only deepened the cracks in my foundation. I made the decision to make a career move to try and create a better balance between my personal and professional life, into a slower paced rewarding job as a benefits representative at the VA, where I helped veterans secure disability claims, along with other benefits they had earned. While guiding veterans about the importance of telling their true stories, not to be embarrassed, to share their struggles, opening up when getting evaluated for claims, I couldn’t admit my own struggles. I encouraged others to open up, yet I couldn’t take my own advice.
It wasn’t until my world came crashing down in my late 30s that I was forced to confront my reality. At 39, I was diagnosed with advanced-stage cancer. The year long battle that followed—chemo, radiation, and even topped off with a feeding tube, due to my extreme weight loss from my treatments. It was the hardest time of my life, both mentally and physically, and not knowing how the outcome of this battle would play out, all while trying to grasp the fact that if I lost the battle, there were no more second chances, the finality of how it could end sent me down a rabbit-hole of deep depression. I pushed people away, isolating myself in anger and frustration, struggling with my faith, I was in complete disbelief about the reality of my situation. However outwardly, keeping true to my "norm", I portrayed a positive, inspirational figure on social media, posting treatment updates and encouraging motivational quotes, it was the only way I would really communicate with others. Inwardly, I was struggling just to stay alive.
But in the darkness, I found clarity. Cancer forced me to confront 20 years of mental health struggles and the damage they’d caused to my relationships, family and sense of self. It was during this battle that I finally accepted I had a problem, in my head, the finger pointing and blame stopped while the self reflection and acceptance of all my past actions, two failed marriages and the admittance to myself that I had been the problem or part of the problem all along, this was my complete focus. Acceptance is the first step, but it wasn’t the end of the journey. Even after coming to terms with my mental health, I still wasn’t ready to seek help.
After surviving cancer, I wasn’t the same person. Memory issues, difficulty connecting with people, and a lack of focus made it clear life would be different moving forward. Cancer took the one thing that was easy for me away, the thing I excelled at for years, my new reality was that my former strengths were now weaknesses and I was getting ready to start a whole new chapter in my life wether I was ready ot not. I eventually filed for and received VA disability benefits and retired from work, but the adjustment brought more challenges. For almost a decade, I continued to wrestle with ups and downs, learning to live as the “new me” while still avoiding true healing.
It wasn’t until I fully embraced acceptance and began seeking treatment that my life started to change. It was by no means a one stop fix, there were small improvements, in different stages, over a handful of years but with therapy, medication, and conversations with mental health professionals, as well as opening up to those close to me, it ultimately helped me untangle the chaos of my past. Slowly, I began to understand the root causes of my struggles and learned how to manage them. With the support of loved ones and the right tools, life became more enjoyable—less like a rollercoaster and more like a steady path forward. There are still bumps in the road of life, it all takes true effort to maintain balance, along with patience and love from those who are in your support system. Understanding the whys of it all, acceptance and being truthful with yourself to understand when things start pushing you the wrong direction , allows you catch it, adjust, and get back on track.
Now, I openly share my story because I want to encourage others—especially veterans—to seek help sooner rather than later. Mental health struggles are common, but they don’t have to define you. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of strength. Some of us take decades to find acceptance and seek help, others never do and struggle with it their entire life, yet continue to keep their head just above the water and live with a quality of life that could be so much better with just a few different life decisions. Then there are the unfortunate souls that completely crumble with the pain of living life with no support system, they cannot handle their mental and physical struggles and end up on the streets or just another statistic in the ever growing number of veteran suicides.
Launching Veteran & Enlisted Targeted Solutions has given me the opportunity to connect with others who are battling the same struggles I faced—or worse. I feel blessed to still be here, and even more blessed to be in a position to help others find their way to a better place.
If you’re struggling, know this: you’re not alone. Acceptance is the first step, but reaching out for help is what truly changes lives. Together, we can work the problem and create brighter futures—for ourselves and for those around us.
Thank you for sticking with me through my Struggle With Mental Health-blog series. I wanted to close it out with something personal, encouraging acceptance and seeking help as a true strength.
Stay tuned for my new upcoming blog series, where I’ll shine a light on another critical aspect of veteran life. Together we can drive awareness and create change! #MentalHealth #VeteranSupport #BreakingTheStigma
